SPANK THE GORILLA

Rumors trace him back to a top-secret government experiment — a Cold War-era project designed to create the ultimate survivalist primate. Somewhere in a hidden lab, scientists gave him superhuman strength, a taste for cigars, and a questionable obsession with chainsaws.

But Spank didn’t follow orders. One night, during a blackout, he vanished from the facility, leaving behind nothing but shredded lab doors and a trail of smoke. Some say he wandered into the Heartland, others claim he slipped through the cracks of reality itself.

Today, Spank operates in the shadows of The Land of Confusion Show. Officially, he’s the Chief of Chaos & Security. Unofficially, he’s a living reminder that in a world this confusing, sometimes you need a gorilla with a chainsaw to cut through the noise.

And yes, he always smokes the cigar. No one knows why.